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Even when we fight, which happens a lot, I try to keep part of my mind open to the fact that we want, ultimately, to remain married. Sex is the place we can find one another again. What the fuck is that going to be like? I become the person motherhood separates me from. But the new, big family also brought newer, bigger responsibilities. We sit for 20 minutes in a cafe, waiting for our gate to be called. Sometimes, weeks, even months, will pass when the best we can manage is a late-night trip to the supermarket. But it will also take up so much of my brain and my life, that however much I want it, I know another child will stop me having the thoughts I want to have, and, to a great extent, living the life I want to lead.

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